Nostalgia for the Future

My deepest griefs have centered on the future, not the past: my father’s death and the years we could have had together; lost pregnancies and the children they would have produced; the course of different careers and relationships that ended. I’ve spent so much time mourning the loss of futures that I discovered wouldn’t turn out the way I thought.

I struggle with the state of the world now because it differs so much from the future in which I invested myself. I don’t feel badly about present when I compare it to the past. I remember vividly the wars, the social unrest, the AIDS epidemic, the casual entrenched racism and sexism and homophobia and other bigotries. I remember how small my life often felt in my childhood and youth. And I see how expansive it’s become in my adulthood, even with various disappoints I’ve experienced.

But I mourn much…